Twilight star Nikki Reed and her husband, Vampire Diaries actor Ian Somerhalder, have told the world that they’re going to be completely unreachable for the first month of their soon-to-arrive first baby’s life. No visitors, no social media, and most terrifying of all, they’re turning off their phones. FOR A MONTH. They plan to be totally unreachable and want to be present and stuff, because, you know, they’re from L.A.
While this “just the three of us” cocoon of domestic bliss sounds like a good idea, as every mom who has seen her birth plan melt down into a juicy orgy of garbage fire, sometimes your best-laid plans don’t have a way of working out, especially when it comes to babies. Here are some things we need to know.
1. Is this a vampire thing?
2. How will your baby actually be real if there isn’t a picture of it on Instagram? INSTAGRAM IS LIFE.
3. Why are you punishing us like this?
4. What will you do when you can’t text your BFF at 1 am asking: “So… when did your vag stop feeling like a slide-y garage door?” (Do not ask your husband this question. Mood killer.)
5. What are you going to do for the 19 hours a day you’re immobilized while breastfeeding? Read a book LOLwhatdothosewordsevenmean?
6. Is this secretly just a way to keep your mother-in-law away?
7. Who are you going to tell that you kind of want to murder your husband right now.
8. Goddammit woman how will you order takeout?!
9. Is Vampire Boy doing the laundry? There’s going to be A LOT of it.
10. Who’s coming over to help you make a nipple sandwich with your boob? The breastfeeding struggle is real, girl!