Tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to say a little prayer. It will go something like this: “Oh please, generous God, make my boobs look half as good as Susan Sarandon’s when I, too, am 70 years-old. Thanks. You rock.” May I present you with Exhibits A and B:
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The actress just hit the Cannes Film Festival red carpet in an Alberta Ferrettidress that—honestly, we can’t even pay attention to the color or the fabric because just look at her flawless décolletage. Not a sun spot or wrinkle to be found. Just fabulous breasts that have aged like fine wine and deserve to be celebrated in their own article. They defy every law of physics. Someone call Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Sarandon may just be very, very genetically blessed—but it’s also possible she’s seen a dermatologist for some corrective procedures over the years. The skin on our chest is extremely thin, and therefore extra susceptible to sun damage, spots, and wrinkles. And we don’t even need to tell you how age, breastfeeding, and just plain gravity can impact the perkiness of our breasts. If you want the skin on your chest to look just a little bit more like Sarandon’s, fractional laser resurfacing and ultrasound treatments like Ultherapy can help tighten skin and eliminate dark spots, as can a chemical peel. Plus, you need to wear sunscreen everyday—SPF 30 or higher—to prevent further damage from occurring. And don’t be afraid to work your favorite face creams and serums with retinol all the way down your chest.
So here’s to you, Susan Sarandon’s boobs! Congratulations on looking better than the rest of us.